Let me preface this post by saying I've had a really shitty couple of days. Sorry for the all-too-personal post.
This week begins week 3 of couch to 5k- I'm proud of myself for making it this far! I've even added more weight to the exercises I've been doing outside of the jogging. Even though the scale isn't reflecting it yet, I feel a lot better and I'm sure once I finish the program I'll feel silly for worrying about something as petty as a scale number. Thanks to Josh's dad for sending us a Samsung Ro for christmas. I quickly realized that the length of my jogging and episodes of Clone High matched up perfectly. The downside- only one season, so at the end of two weeks I have to find something else to watch.
Lately I've had a lot of things pulling my attention and having a gym regimen to stick with has been a godsend. This year has decided to put more weight on my shoulders in the first 10 days than I thought I could carry.
My manager at work is completely unloading all her woes and frustrations about the store onto me- including (but not limited to) walking in the store to find her crying, near constant reminders of when her currency exchange lands- she's out of here, making me feel guilty for asking for a weekend off- even though I worked all through the holiday season- even picking up extra days so others could have the opportunity to take time off. I can only recall 3 days that I had off to spend with Josh over his two week vacation- one of those days was Xmas day- when the store was closed.
My mom is having another mental freakout- this happens every 3 months like clockwork. I thought a year later from when it started, it would be easier to handle. In a way, it is, but it's still hard to get screamed at, cried at, blamed and accused for her problems with everyone else. She and her therapist wonder why I'm so apprehensive about trying to re-establish communication. I'm not exactly thrilled about the idea of having to listen to her anymore, about anything. She says to me- "I have questions and I need answers from you. I'm reaching out to you, Laura, because I don't want to live in this world anymore." Thanks mom, love you, too. In the year that we've been estranged, you keep saying that you have questions, but you never ask them and I'm sick of waiting. I admitted something to myself the other day- I'm not even trying to make things better anymore. I don't want her to hate me for severing our ties, but as several people would say: what's the worst thing that could happen for me? That I could go on to live a normal life away from the constant barrage of emotional abuse. The worst thing that could happen to her- she'd realize what a complete unmanageable, short fused, blind bitch she's been all these years and maybe she could learn to be happy and well-adjusted.
I didn't go home this christmas- in a way it was liberating and much easier on our wallets. On the other hand.. I wish I would have. I found out yesterday that my Grandma Judy has cancer for the fourth time. She and my grandfather are hoping to get test results back today to find out what type it is, what stage it's in, if it's treatable or if it's even worth treating. She said her mammogram was clear in October, but a PET scan in November revealed that there was a lump in her breast and nodules in her lung. The tone of my grandfather's voice was heartbreaking. I wanted to crawl through the phone and hug him. In the two years that I've been in Florida- this is the first time I felt far away. Judy told me to be tough so that is what I will strive to be.
2011 will teach me to be tough. 2011 will not break me.
Brunch and then off to the gym. First day of spring semester tomorrow- here's hoping my financial aid will over the two classes I'm taking.
Sorry for the rant of a post. I'm not fishing for sympathy from anyone by any means. As I said in the beginning- I'm so thankful to have a structured schedule so that I have to only focus on one thing at a time. Also- I'm SOOOO excited for this weekend- Savannah with some of my favorite people. I'm pumped to get to play with our new camera, too!
No comments:
Post a Comment